Making Space

Searching.
breathing.
feeling.
living in it.
loving all of it.

the age old question: who am I?

where do I belong? where am I supposed to be? And if I happen to figure out a fragment of that question, will I ever one day arrive where I want, and be who I desire to be? 

When I arrive at my yoga studio, I am happy to be there, i’m surrounded by others who have made an effort in their day to arrive there as well. We all want to be there, and we have all convened to a place that brings out the parts we love most about ourselves. 

I realized today that I not only come for a spiritual as well as physical practice, but I also come because of the community that has manifested itself from the one common interest we all share. 

It is your own personal journey to discover the many characters that are yourself. But while it may seem like a lonesome path; you walk alone while walking alongside others. 

Today in class, Alex talked about wishing. Throughout our lives we wish for an abundance of things that are out of our control to change. As the years pass and make us older, we are consistently thrown into situations that make us feel like we don’t belong. We are tested on how we handle situations that we don’t want to be in. These defining moments help us realize different aspects of ourselves, and when we come out of these experiences, we walk out still standing. 

Day 1 of teacher training has begun. I came in with no expectations, because I came to realize later that I had never been put in this particular situation, nor had come across anything quite like it. Making the decision to do teacher training is the first time i’ve done something big and truly invested in myself. It is a decision that has been manifested over 10 years and I have finally arrived at a place and time where I could make this possible. 

As I sat in a room full of also aspiring yogi’s I realized that none of us really knew what to do in the situation that we had all purposely put ourselves in. We had all wanted this at some point, and when the time came for reality to come forward instead of mere dreams, we all seemed a little lost at sea. 

Time gives us comfort, and with that our barriers and fears will no longer hold us, I am excited for this progression and can’t wait for this transformation. 

the answer is never far from the question.

Taking a leap of faith in yourself seems so much easier said than done. The complexity of the world and its demand and expectations always leave you doubting a true happiness that you deserve. 

I have been searching..tireless and endless because I know myself well enough that when I find gems worth holding onto…I never let them go. This past year has tested my loyalty to the things that I love, and while I’ve had my share of doubts, my ending results always bring me back to what I truly believe will make me happy. 

Encouragement from others is sometimes not given as often as you would like, have faith in the decisions you have made for yourself because only you know if they are truly the right ones. Do not seek permission from others for your life choices, and know that you deserve the goals you set for yourself. 

I have tried to make it a rule to never let anyone dictate my life..though there are times when I wish I received more support than what was given. I am forced to remind myself that most people do not live with me on a daily basis, they don’t know the dreams that I seek, or the hard work that I put in, they only understand so much and allow themselves to give that much in return. As a friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend…I promise to give more beyond what I understand. 

"Take a seat, and find your place in the world"

A simple sentence can have so many meanings. We are what we tell ourselves, we believe what we choose to believe. 

Finding our place in the world…In yoga today that brought me to simply sitting on my mat. At that very moment, that was my place in this big complex world that we live in. It brought so much meaning to me because I felt centered in that very spot, like I belonged, and was a part of something great and magical. It’s been awhile since I felt like I was in the right place at the right time. Life’s timing is confusing, at times it feels like things simply fall into place…and it feels so “right”…then there are other times when you’re stuck wondering why it hurts so bad. 

I believe that my future is good, that my experiences will teach me the lessons I need to learn and remind me of the things I love most. An infinite number of memories to make, but what will I choose to remember? 

We are together…we have deep rooted connections that bind us to one another..and when we least expect it, the most unexpected people can be the most influential ones in our lives.
B and I just finished our week long NY trip and on the flight home to PDX. Within one week which seems short, but felt so incredibly long, I reconnected with many people who are my oldest friends, and closest relatives. In one week, I got to see my people that have made such a huge impact to my entire world, while also making new friends along the way. 
Timing is definitely an important factor in ones life, though impossible to control. TIme also changes your relationships with certain people, with my group of friends I have seen certain relationships grow closer and further apart depending on where we all are in our lives. If we can all accepted that relationships don’t always stay the same then perhaps we can all appreciate each other when they were there for us when we needed them most. Nothing stays the same, but your memories and love for those people can. 
Love me as I love you
Care for me as I care for you
And when the world shifts and splits beneath our feet,
May we never forget the things we did for each other,
That have bound us as one.

I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I choose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me. Insisting on this story was a form of mind control, but for the most part, it worked. Every time I heard a sound of unknown origin or felt something horrible cohering in my imagination, I pushed it away. I simply did not let myself become afraid. Fear begets fear. Power begets power. I willed myself to beget power. And it wasn’t long before I actually wasn’t afraid. 


-Wild